from "kayla gale" to "kayla dejager strength training". a mindset evolution over the years

Growing up, we were raised in a pretty rough and tough environment. Being girly had its place, but fake nails don't fare so well against throwing hay bales or saddling a horse. Being strong and capable was king, and my sisters and I were always pushed to outwork the boys.

After my siblings left the house and my parents divorced, the ranch lifestyle became a part-time gig for me, but I continued to find identity in my strength and power. When the other girls were running or biking or lifting 5lb dumbbells, I was in the weight room with the boys, taking pride in the fact that I was "built different". Looking back at pictures, there is no huge difference in the way I looked, compared to other high school girls, but my perception from inside my body was not the same as the other girls seemed to have. I was strong, I was independent, and I was pretty frickin awesome (just ask me!).

After college, I went down the Beachbody path and had amazing "results" with Insanity. I say results in quotations, because the mirror reflected one thing, but I started to lose that "inside, GOAT-like" feeling. Yea, my confidence in how I looked in a swimsuit was great, so I started to ignore the other signs. Actually, I'm not sure if I was ignoring the signs or just didn't know to look for them. The insomnia set in, the knee pain, the obsessive behavior around food and calorie burn. Then, when it came time to have kids, the inability to conceive. All these common signs of under-eating and over-training were explained away with other reasons and remedied with inappropriate "solutions".

This new mindset from empowerment to aesthetics made my mid-20s and early 30s pretty rough. Eventually, no matter how much I worked out, or how much I yo-yo dieted, nothing gave me results that stuck, and nothing fanned my passion for health. It just didn't come naturally anymore and felt more like a hopeless endeavor than an empowering journey.

I have always found peace in writing. I write songs, poetry and will sometimes journal--it seems to help my brain make sense of my emotions and allows me to become an outsider looking in, when I read it back to myself. This poem I wrote, when I was at my lowest point became the emotional awakening that I needed to pull myself out of the darkness of self-hate and disappointment. I used it as fuel to never allow myself to go back to that place and was finally able to strip down my pride and excuses and start my healing process. It is not my normal format, and it doesn't rhyme, but I felt my soul speaking through me this night, lying in bed at 1:00am, as I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.

There She Is:

There she is again.

She holds me with her stare.

She has always been with me.

As I look in her eyes,

disgust is all I see.

She looks me up and down,

She points out my flaws,

She tells me I'm not what I used to be.

Disgust is all I see.

She knows my every insecurity

Disgust is all I see.

I roll my eyes at girls like her,

The ones who tare me down.

But she grabs my stomach and pulls my chest,

Reminds me I don't look my best.

She tells me I'm of little worth,

My body's ruined after giving birth.

All the while, on her face,

Disgust is all I see.

I look for better company,

I try to get away.

Everywhere I go, she's there.

My reflection is all I see.

How do I move on from her,

when that woman is me?

-Kayla DeJager, April 2024 at 1:08 am

If this poem strikes you in any way, allow me to change that woman's mind and guide you through healing, from the inside.

I am not perfect. I don't have all the answers. I still struggle with the woman this poem was about. I also have compassion and grace and the power to make a difference.

My platform may be small, but my voice is loud, and my people are out there.

Satan wants us to fixate on these feelings and dwell in the darkness, but God holds the light. Let me help you fan the flame.