The Ultimate Counterfeit

I truly believe the subject matter of self-loathing and disappointment is a topic worth sharing again (and again). Because of that, I am going to take a step back and refer to the poem I shared in my first blog–if you haven’t read it yet, check it out and then come back! After I wrote that poem, I was compelled to share it, but I certainly did not want to feel it. There was this sense of shame while putting these words to paper, but my hands would not stop writing, as if I was being led to do it. It’s a heartbreaking depiction of how broken someone can feel on the inside, while simultaneously being perfectly happy and content in so many other parts of her life. Seriously, I’m married to the love of my life, have adorable and healthy kids, best friends I can share anything with, a home, all the meals I can eat and parents who love and care about me. My mom is actually the first person I shared this with and it was over the phone, so I had to read it. I tell you–reading something like this out loud is even harder than writing it. This hurt her to hear it too. It hurt her that I was feeling this way, and it also hurt her because she and so many other women have felt this way. After sharing this with other women I am close to, I learned it cut them all just as deeply. This led us into the conversation that you and I are going to have today, and my hope is for you to continue this conversation with yourself, for the rest of your life. 

Where are these feelings of self-loathing, self-criticism and comparison coming from?  We could say they are learned from watching our mothers and older sisters doing it to themselves, or we can say these feelings are picked up from magazines and social media. We could even say we are being brainwashed to try to live up to the unrealistic standards of “what men want women to look like”. Yea, we could say all these things. We could chalk it up to any of those explanations and dive deep into each one of them, using studies and data. But that will not answer our question all the way down to the root of where it begins–the Genesis. You’ll get the reference in a minute. Insecurities and social influences are all just tools. Tools used by THE one person, the ONE thing that wants to hurt us. 

If you are going through my blog, you have likely figured out by now that I am an imperfect Christian woman with Christian values and beliefs, so here it is:  Satan has a hold on all of us. He uses all the tools he can, to get into our heads and cause turmoil. This can come in many ways, shapes and sizes, but always with the same goal. To give credit to Pastor Brian, he once explained how Satan is the ultimate counterfeit, with perfect understanding of how to twist good to exploit us. He will slide into our thoughts, disguised as comparison, disguised as body dysmorphia, disguised as depression, anxiety, loneliness, low self-worth and anything else he can put his greasy fingers on to make us chalk it up to being our own fault. Okay, but what’s the point?  Why does he care whether we think that we’re pretty enough or skinny enough or “good” enough? 

Just as an abusive partner would do, he will tear us down, hurt us and isolate us from the ones that love us. The ones who could help us if we allowed them to. He does it to make us doubt ourselves and weaken our relationship with God. Weak people are the easiest to manipulate. Weakness seeks out strength, and true strength comes from God. It comes from our conviction and our ability to decipher right from wrong and good from evil.  But like I said, Satan is the ultimate counterfeit.  He will wrap himself up in all the things we think we want and deliver himself to us. Once we take the bait, it becomes that much easier to get in. Now we are weaker due to vanity or jealousy or whatever tool he used to break us. Since weakness seeks strength, he will direct us to the things we perceive to be our ‘strengtheners’ and we begin to worship those, rather than God. We worship being desired, clothing trends, our phones, food, substances and anything else we use to get a temporary fix. We are not strong enough to do it on our own and no amount of weight lifting and protein powder will ever change that. Satan knows this, but he wants us to think otherwise.  

Since writing this poem and having this conversation with my mom, I have put more than just a name to the negative thoughts that inevitably enter my mind when I’m looking in the mirror. I pray for God’s grace. I pray for him to give me the wisdom to identify the source of these thoughts so I can look myself right in the eye, and tell Satan to back off. It may sound silly but I literally speak right to him in the mirror, most often in my gym during my workouts when I catch myself studying my body. I tell him I know this is him, that God created me perfectly in his image and I will not be manipulated any longer. This takes practice, but it works. He never stops trying, but the sooner I nip him in the bud, the less often he appears. After consistent and intentional practice, he still gets in every once in a while, but he’s never allowed to stay. That poem you read; transcribing it into this lesson was the first time I looked at it in months, in contrast to daily when I first wrote it. Typing it out, I did not feel the heaviness in my chest as I once did. I know I wrote it and I still understand what I was feeling at the time, but I have overcome the shame I put on myself and no longer allow it to consume me.

My conquering spirit came from God, not from me.

I will never stop trying to be a better version of myself, not spiritually, emotionally or physically, but I will give myself grace during my struggles. I will believe my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful and I will allow myself to experience the good things, without feeling like a phony. With God as an anchor, we can never drift away. 

Takeaway: When we are feeling down on ourselves, in any aspect, we can always look toward the Lord and ask to see what He sees. Trying to find answers anywhere but with Him is futile. He wants us to love ourselves and our hearts to be full. So next time you are feeling like Satan has you in a choke hold, call him by name and summon strength from the Lord. Through Him, no battle can be lost.